


Kabuki War Paint

by sssrha



Series: I’m just archiving this, don’t read it [10]
Category: Naruto
Genre: (as in post-shippuden), BAMF Haruno Sakura, BAMF Uchiha Sasuke, BAMF Uzumaki Naruto, Crack, Gen, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, Poor Man, Post-Canon, Uzumaki Naruto Being an Idiot, and he suffers for it, i was gonna say that there were implications of canon ships but really there aren't any, it's all like...in the background tho, no beta this is like three years old so, so you can just fill them in as whatever you want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28151205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sssrha/pseuds/sssrha
Summary: In chapter two, Naruto got his ninja registry picture taken...in kabuki war paint. Later, an S-class Naruto realizes the meaning of "no redos".
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Sarutobi Konohamaru & Uzumaki Naruto
Series: I’m just archiving this, don’t read it [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033011
Kudos: 30





	Kabuki War Paint

**Naruto, Sasuke, and** Sakura were all in a hospital room. It had been three days since the end of the Fourth Shinobi War, and Naruto and Sasuke still needed to be treated. Sakura, their teammate, seemed like the perfect solution. She was a medical-nin, and she was one of the few people capable of keeping them in the hospital.

It was during a rare moment of silence as Sakura changed their bandages that Kakashi decided to show up.

The newly instated Hokage, it seemed, was still getting used to Hokageing, since you probably weren't supposed to just randomly leave your post.

"Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked, surprised. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, _running the village_?"

Kakashi waved off her concern. "Nonsense, the village can survive for ten more minutes."

"Knowing you," Sasuke muttered, "you'll turn ten minutes into three hours."

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, Kakashi-sensei, you've got a village to run. If they made you Hokage, then yo **u better do it right**."

Kakashi sweat-dropped. By the end of that sentence, Naruto was staring at him intensely with red, Kyuubi powered eyes. Apparently, Naruto was still sour that Kakashi was chosen as Hokage over him.

Sakura smacked Naruto's head. "Naruto, didn't I tell you not to use chakra?!"

Naruto winced. "R-Right, sorry Sakura."

Naruto growled when he caught Sasuke smirking at him.

Kakashi shook his head. "Anyway, I came here because the new bingo books came out."

Sakura's eyes widened. "The ones that the Alliance came together and made? The same one for all the Shinobi nations?"

Kakashi nodded. "And guess what?"

"What?" Naruto asked.

"You've all got S-class entries!"

All three of them stared at him with wide eyes. Sure, they knew that they were largely considered the new Sannin...but S-class?

Sakura's eyes narrowed as she saw her teammates' disbelief. "What the hell are you two so confused about? Together you could probably take on the Five Nations and survive!"

Kakashi nodded. "Sakura has a point."

"I-I know," Naruto said, "but S-class is a bit much."

"Did you not just hear me say you could take on the entire Elemental Nations?" Sakura deadpanned.

"He probably did, but his peanut-sized brain just can't comprehend it," Sasuke said matter-of-factly.

Sakura had to stop Naruto from punching Sasuke's lights out.

"Okay, okay, calm down. Why don't we all look at your entries? I have yet to look at them myself."

"Sure," Sakura said cheerfully, which was kind of scary because she was also simultaneously strangling Naruto and giving Sasuke a death glare that would terrify the Juubi.

Kakashi nodded again. "Okay...here's Sakura's!"

He flipped the book so that the three of them could see. There was a picture of Sakura in a medic uniform, giving someone CPR. It was probably taken during the war.

Under that was her picture in the shinobi registry. Every ninja got it taken when they graduated from the Academy. A twelve-year-old Sakura smiled at them.

Under that was her information.

> **Sakura Haruno**
> 
> **Konoha's Iron Fist**
> 
> **Affiliation: Konohagakure, The Shinobi Alliance**
> 
> **Class: S**
> 
> **Do not engage.**

The corners of Sakura's lips twitched upward. "Konoha's Iron Fist, huh? Sounds pretty good."

Kakashi nodded. "I agree, very catchy." He flipped through the pages again. "And here's Sasuke's."

A picture of Sasuke was on the cover and, considering the fact that he was unconscious, it was probably taken in the hospital. Below were his ninja registry picture and his information.

> **Sasuke Uchiha**
> 
> **The Avenger**
> 
> **(Also known as: The** _ **Actual**_ **Last Uchiha)**
> 
> **Affiliation: Konohagakure, The Shinobi Alliance**
> 
> **Class: S**
> 
> **Flee on sight.**

Sasuke's eye twitched. Kakashi laughed sheepishly. "This isn't the finished book, us Kage just got an advanced edition. Apparently, the classification squad has a sense of humor..."

Sasuke's eye twitched again.

Naruto, deciding to break the tension, asked, "Hey, why do they say 'Do not engage' and 'Flee on sight' like we're part of some enemy nation or are missing-nin?"

"Because," Kakashi said, "we don't know when the alliance is going to fall apart so we want this information available. I let your guys' information be shown on the agreement that the other villages would show their shinobi's information, too. That's how it works. No one has an advantage or is at a disadvantage."

Naruto frowned. "That's kind of...sad."

Kakashi shrugged. "That's how it works." He flipped through the bingo book pages again. "Well, last but not least, here's Naruto's!" Kakashi paused, blinking. "Huh." He turned the book so they could see.

Naruto's grinning face was there, taken right before the war.

> **Naruto Uzumaki**
> 
> **Konoha's Orange Fox**
> 
> **(Also known as: The Last Uzumaki, the Lord of Luck, the Next Hokage, Konoha's Number One Unpredictable Knuckleheaded Ninja, and Our Lord and Saviour)**
> 
> **Affiliation: Konohagakure, the Shinobi Alliance**
> 
> **Class: S**
> 
> **Flee on sight. Definitely a flee on sight. If you don't, you deserve what you'll get.**

What really got them, though, was Naruto's ninja registry picture. His face was covered in elaborate kabuki war paint.

Sasuke smirked. Naruto's face was pale.

"Th-They _actually_ used that picture?"

Kakashi nodded, shoulders shaking. "They're required to also use your registry photo." He then burst out laughing. "Th-The classific-cation team d-does have a-a sense of hu-humor," he managed to wheeze out.

Sakura sighed. "You see, Naruto, this is what happens when you're being an idiot! You end up being the only S-class ninja with kumadori!"

Naruto was sulking and Sasuke's smirk grew.

Sakura, satisfied, turned to Kakashi and said, "What about you, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Me?" Kakashi asked. "Well, let's see here..."

There was a picture of Kakashi with his Hokage hat on, and a picture of a young Kakashi under that.

> **Kakashi Hatake**
> 
> **Kakashi of the Perfectly Normal Eyes**
> 
> **(Also known as: The 6th Hokage, and the Forever Bachelor)**
> 
> **Affiliation: Konohagakure, the Shinobi Alliance**
> 
> **Class: S**
> 
> **Flee on sight. He's the fucking Hokage, of course he's flee on sight.**

"Huh...I think they're taking this a _little_ too far..."

"Hey, how come you three have flee on sight orders, and I only have a do not engage?!"

"Sakura...you do realize that was them making a joke, right?" _At least, I hope they were._

"Oh, they _better_ be making a joke!"

_fin_

* * *

_Omake:_

Naruto, 7th Hokage of Konohagakure, was having a peaceful day of typing up a mind-numbing amount of emails when his door was slammed open. Konohamaru Sarutobi stormed into the Hokage Office and shoved a book into Naruto's hand.

 _"What the hell is this?"_ he seethed.

Naruto looked down at the book, then back up at Konohamaru. "It's your bingo book entry."

> **Konohamaru Sarutobi**
> 
> **Konoha's Inferno**
> 
> **(Also known as: The 7th Hokage's Apprentice)**
> 
> **Affiliation: Konohagakure, the Shinobi Alliance**
> 
> **Class: A**
> 
> **Proceed with caution.**

There was a picture of a grown-up Konohamaru, and below it was a younger Konohamaru...in kabuki war paint.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You also wore the war paint."

 _"Yes,"_ Konohamaru said, gritting his teeth. _"I was following your example."_

"That probably wasn't the best idea."

_"I figured that out a while ago."_

"So...why're you here?"

"FIX THIS!" Konohamaru demanded.

"If I could," Naruto said, "don't you think I would?"

He grabbed the bingo book and flipped to his entry. The top picture was of him with the Hokage hat, and the bottom was of him...also in kabuki war paint.

"At this point," Naruto continued with a sigh, "I'm pretty sure the classification squad is just keeping the ninja registration photo for the sole purpose of annoying me."

* * *

_Meanwhile:_

"You sure it's a good idea to annoy Naruto Uzumaki?"

"...no, not really, but we're not going to stop anytime soon."


End file.
